The Princess' Bridegroom
by Clara
Summary: Duo tells a sick Heero a story. Wufei, Quatre and Trowa listen in. A parody of the Princess Bride. Beware of OOC characters and shounen ai.
1. Chapter One

The Princess' Bridegroom Author's Notes: Don't worry, I'm not giving up on "Crazy About Nothing". In fact, I'm about 70% done with the next chapter. I was just searching through my profile and found this old fic, and deemed it worthy to post.   
  
Warnings: 2+1, 3+4, 13+5, shounen ai (duh), humor, romance, a sick and grouchy Heero, and a bit of OOC.   
  
Disclaimer: *sigh* I don't own them. Bite meeeee >P   
  
Side note: When I switch scenes using the "**", that means that it's in story form, if you know what I mean. One "*" means I'm just switching views with the characters. I'm going to use this in the story form, too.   
  


**The Princess' Bridegroom**  
by Clara

  
  
"GRAAAAH!!"   
  
The blonde Arabian pilot quickly slammed the door shut behind him, just in time to block the vase that was aimed at his head. For a long moment, the door shuddered from the impact. Quatre shot a desperate, pleading look to Duo.   
  
"Neee.. Duo.. he's become even harder to handle," Quatre whimpered, eyeing the still quivering door with a distrustful look. As if the door would betray him and fall, leaving nothing as a barrier between him and the hot headed pilot.   
  
Duo sighed, balancing a bowl of chicken soup on a book. He flashed a cheerful (albeit a little strained) smile in Quatre's direction, then gently pushed the blonde pilot away from the door. "Who would have thought that a mere cold could brought the great Heero Yuy to his knees?"   
  
*CRASH* "I heard that."   
  
"Neee," Duo admonished cheerfully, opening the door and ducking another flying object (which, he noticed with distaste, was his shoe), while managing to balance the bowl of soup. "You oughtn't let yourself get worked up, Heero! Look, I even brought you a bowl of soup. Are you going to say thank you?"   
  
"Omae o korosu." Was his blunt reply.   
  
"Oi na! Good enough!" the braided pilot quipped cheerfully while handing Heero the bowl of chicken soup. The perfect soldier eyed the soup warily, then set down the other shoe he had prepared to heave at Duo's head.   
  
Duo grinned cheekily and plopped down at the foot of the bed, cornflower blue eyes sparkling with their usual mischief. Dubious, slate gray eyes met his.   
  
"What are you still doing here, baka?"   
  
Duo beamed, holding up a thick book. "I'm going to read you a story!"   
  
Heero's dubious look turned disbelieving (well, as disbelieving as it could get). "I'm perfectly capable of reading by myself."   
  
"I'd be worried if you couldn't," Duo said, grinning and choosing to not catch the hint. He had this plan figured out perfectly - Heero would probably be too weak to kill him. "Now shut up so I can start."   
  
"..."   
  
"Good boy." Duo took a deep breath and flipped the book open to the first page. "Once upon a time there was a beautiful farmer's son, with thick, luscious chestnut brown hair, tied in a thick, luscious braid that fell past his waist. Words could not convey how beautiful this boy was.."   
  
*   
  
Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei pressed their ears against the door, listening to Duo's tale, and each a little bit surprised that Heero hadn't gotten up and forcibly threw the other boy out of the room.   
  
"Well," Quatre whispered. "If Duo's talking about who I think I'm talking about, then he's got one thing right. He _is_ beautiful."   
  
Trowa shot him a green eyed look.   
  
"Don't worry! You're very pretty too!" Quatre soothed urgently. "It's just that.. there's something _about_ him.."   
  
"I agree." Wufei nodded.   
  
Quatre's shoulders sagged with relief. "Good. I was afraid I was the only one who noticed.."   
  
"Hush up you two," Trowa snapped quietly, still pouting. "I want to hear this."   
  
*   
  
"The beautiful boy's name was Duo Maxwell."   
  
Heero choked on a noodle, successfully interrupting the story.   
  
The Shinigami shot Heero a dark look. "Don't deny it, Yuy. You know damn well I'm beautiful," said Duo, preening.   
  
Heero picked up the shoe he had set down earlier and heaved it at him.   
  
"Gah!" Duo yelped, diving out of the way and therefore disrupting the soup. Heero frowned and set the half finished soup on the ground, frowning even more at the wet spot on his green tank top.   
  
"Uh.. sorry? But it was your fault you know.." Duo giggled, rubbing the back of his head.   
  
Heero just glared.   
  
"Nee.. shuddup and lemme continue."   
  
Glare.   
  
"And take off your shirt. When the broth cools you're just gunna make yourself more sick."   
  
Glare glare.   
  
After a few loooong moments of glaring, Heero obliged then lay back, closing his eyes and letting the musical lilt in Duo's voice lead him into a dream like state, picturing the scenery and the people..   
  
**   
  
One thing that the beauteous Duo Maxwell loved to do was pester the hell out of a certain dark haired farm boy, trying to make a smile appear on those ice like lips. Not to mention ordering him to do things that he himself was perfectly capable of doing. However, the only thing that passed the farm boy's lips was "omae o korosu."   
  
"Farm boy," Duo said, swinging an empty bucket. "Fill this bucket with water."   
  
The farm boy, of course, responded with, "omae o korosu."   
  
When the farm boy disappeared to retrieve the water, Duo frowned, highly unsatisfied. He had once again been unable to get a different reaction besides that irking "omae o korosu" from the equally irking Heero Yuy.   
  
**   
  
Heero's eyes snapped open. He let his head roll to the side so he could get a better look at the smirking Duo. The stoic pilot had suspected that Duo had been talking about him, and the braided boy's last sentence hand confirmed his suspicion.   
  
"Why are you telling a story about me and you?" he asked, interrupting the next sentence. "And _why_ am I a.. farm boy?"   
  
"Don't complain. It's a good story." Was the response he got.   
  
Heero sighed and closed his eyes, wondering just what torture the American pilot would inflict on him.   
  
**   
  
However, after months of teasing and pestering the defenseless farm boy and nearly tearing his hair out with frustration, it became apparent to the braided beauty that the true meaning of "omae o korosu" was "I love you"--   
  
**   
  
*CRASH*   
  
Heero, who was reaching for something to throw at Duo if the story got too out of control, fell off the bed.   
  
Although laughing, Duo felt a blush creep up the back of his neck to his cheeks and ears. He was worried about the reaction he would get from the Perfect Soldier.. and reverently hoped the other boy did not have his gun.   
  
Heero pulled himself back on to the bed, looking just a bit surprised.   
  
"That's not exactly what I mean when I say 'omae o korosu', you know."   
  
Duo rubbed the back of his head. "Hey, I didn't write this."   
  
"..."   
  
"That's right. Shuddup so I can continue this."   
  
"..."   
  
**   
  
What was even more shocking was the day it became apparent to Duo that he loved the stoic farm boy back.   
  
**   
  
Once again, the braided pilot was interrupted from his story telling, this time from a muffled squeak from behind the door. Annoyed, he glanced up from his book with an accusing glare, then glanced back at Heero. A small giggle bubbled up in the middle of his chest, but he didn't release it. He was afraid it would come out as a slightly hysterical laugh.   
  
Heero looked like he was hit by a train. Twice.   
  
Duo coughed, then cleared his throat, dropping his eyes back to the book. He could feel his cheeks warm up again.   
  
**   
  
Duo was standing in a small run down kitchen, idly drawing a picture of Heero in the powdery flour on the "counter" in front of him. He was thinking up ways to get the elusive farm boy to.. well.. notice him. Really notice him, instead of that annoying "omae o korosu." Sighing a bit, he glanced down at the picture he just drew, then sweatdropped a bit when he saw a little.. him kissing the little Heero's hand.   
  
"..."   
  
Duo spun around, feeling the familiar presence of the one he deeply cared for. Indeed, Heero was on the other side of the room, apparently looking for something. The braided beauty leaned guiltily against the counter, hiding his little doodle. He watched with hooded eyes as Heero glanced at the other boy with an unreadable expression, then turned around and started to walk away.   
  
"Matte!"   
  
The farm boy paused, then slowly turned around to look at Duo, who was turning an interesting shade of red.   
  
_What on earth possessed me to ask him to wait?_ Duo glanced around the room desperately, trying to find something that would make the dark haired boy stay. His violet eyes finally found a pitcher, that was right over his head and that he was more than capable of reaching.   
  
"..Fetch me that pitcher," Duo ordered, staring at Heero with a challenging look. The farm boy matched that look, then walked with an agonizing slowness to the pitcher. Duo didn't move.   
  
"Omae.. o korosu," Heero whispered, looking deep into Duo's eyes. The violet eyed boy smiled a little, earning a very tiny, barely noticeable smile in return.   
  
**   
  
"WHAT?! They didn't kiss?!"   
  
Trowa and Quatre glanced at Wufei, both supporting rather large sweatdrops. If anything, that was the last thing they expected to hear from the justice crazed pilot.   
  
Noticing the two shocked glances from his friends, Wufei had the decency to blush.   
  
**   
  
That evening, underneath the setting sun, the stoic farm boy and beauteous braided boy shared their first kiss.   
  
**   
  
Duo paused once again, watching with slight amusement as a whole army of emotions played across the sick pilot's face. That was the first time he had even seen a real emotion on Heero's face, let alone a whole mess of them! He wondered idly if he should feel guilty or not..   
  
_But hey.._ Duo thought with slight hope, _He hasn't killed me yet.. or even threatened to. That's a good thing, right..?_   
  
_Then again.. he hasn't answered at _all_.._   
  
*   
  
"Well," Quatre said in a light voice, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "There's your kiss."   
  
Wufei turned an interesting shade of maroon. "Injustice.."   
  
**   
  
After a week of pure bliss, not to mention a lot of sex..   
  
**   
  
This time, the squeak came from Heero's direction. Duo raised his eyebrow at the other pilot, not expecting something like that come from the "perfect soldier". He pursed his lips together to stop a smile.   
  
Heero clutched the sheet to his nose. He had a sudden nosebleed.   
  
*   
  
"Kuso," Wufei hissed, holding his sleeve to his nose. He idly hoped he wouldn't pass out from blood loss..   
  
**   
  
..the farm boy had to leave to gather some supplies from the Oz kingdom. A few days after his departure, a crier came back with heartbreaking news.   
  
Heero's ship was taken over by the Dread Pirate The Perfect Soldier, and he was forced to self destruct.   
  
For seven years, Duo grieved for his lost love.   
  
"I will never love again."   
  
**   
  
"What?!"   
  
Duo sweatdropped and glanced up from his book.   
  
"You.. you killed me?" Heero asked, sounding highly betrayed. What amused Duo more was the pout that danced across Heero's lips. A small smile played across Duo's lips and he dropped his eyes back to the book.   
  
"Patience is a virtue, Hee-chan."   
  
*   
  
Trowa awkwardly patted the sobbing pilot on the back, wondering why he was even bothering with these psychos..   
  
"Heero's.. Heero's dead.. and-and.. him and Duo will never live happily ever after.. and.. and.." the pilot sobbed, burying his face in Trowa's shoulder.   
  
Trowa glanced desperately at the smirking pilot, who was leaning against the door, then glanced back down at the one in his arms with a resigned look on his face.   
  
"There, there Wufei.."   
  
-end chapter one   
  
  
  
HAHA >D *runs away from a rabid Wufei*.  



	2. Chapter Two

Author's Notes: Numero Uno, this may appear to have some.. Relena bashing in it. No, I'm not bashing Relena, but she just seemed like the perfect character for.. well.. you'll see. ^^; Anyway, don't worry. I'm an avid believer of.. not bashing people, so their will be a VERY limited amount of anyone bashing. But you have to understand, it's just her CHARACTER, not her.. *sweatdrops* Yeah, I'm babbling..   
  
Warnings: Shounen ai tendancies, OOCness, humor (should I really be warning you for this?), a sick, grouchy Heero, and finally, an over emotional Wufei.   
  
Couples: ..Uh.. well.. if you read the first chapter already.. then you should know..   
  
Disclaimer: If you wish to sue me, please look at the thousands and thousands of people who have written stories for this fandom. After you are finished suing all of them, I shall grant you a permission in court. ^^;; So, anyway, Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me. The Princess' Bridegroom does not belong to me. Anything objects in this story that doesn't belong to me, doesn't belong to me. Chhhh...   
  
  


**The Princess' Bridegroom**   
Chapter Two  
by Clara

  
  
  
"As it was, after seven years of being without his lost love, the beautiful braided boy was forced to marry, by order of the princess of the Sanq kingdom."   
  
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"   
  
Duo dropped his book on his lap, a sweatdrop sliding very slowly down the back of his head. This time, it wasn't just his precious Hee-chan who was howling, but three other voices that surprisingly joined in. Three other very familiar voices.   
  
_Okay.. this is getting just a little frightening.._ He didn't have enough time to finish his thoughts, because the "sick pilot" suddenly launched himself at Duo and grabbed his collar. And shook.   
  
"A-a-ack.." Duo wheezed, eyes bugging out. "H-H-eeeee-eee-ro.. s-stop!" He flailed at the "perfect pilot", feeling as if his brain was being rattled around in his head. "L-l-et me gooo!"   
  
After a few moments of shaking the daylights out of Duo, Heero slowly pried his fingers off the other boy's shirt. Duo immediately reached up and clutched his neck, violet eyes huge. The two pilots stared at each other for a few minutes, one looking a little shocked and slightly annoyed, and the other looking slightly guilty but even more satisfied.   
  
"You.. you.." Duo gasped out, eyes still huge. Slowly, he grinned. "You're jealous."   
  
_Of who..? Me? Relena? Damnit.._   
  
"Hn. Baka." Heero shifted his gaze away from Duo, staring fixedly at the miniature gundam Duo had hung on the ceiling fan, just so the braided moron could watch it fly in circles when he turned it on. In a very pouty, very childish voice, Heero said, "you killed me, then married Relena. I feel used."   
  
_Did.. did he just crack a joke?!_   
  
Duo sighed dramatically, then stood up, closing the book. "I think you've had too much stress for today, Heero. I'll continue this story for you tomorrow."   
  
For a moment, Duo could have sworn he heard three faint "nooo's".   
  
"Good night, Heero." The storyteller walked over to the side of Heero's bed and picked up the half eaten, neglected bowl of soup. He stood up, offered a smile and the wide eyed Heero, then turned around and started to walk out of the room. He was stopped by a gentle tugging on his sleeve.   
  
Glancing down, he found himself face to face with what made his teeth feel like they would rot out.   
  
Heero was looking up at him with these wide, childlike eyes that begged for him to stay. he had this adorable little pout on his face that made Duo melt into a gooey mess on the inside. "Please stay?" Heero pleaded. "I'm okay, really!"   
  
Duo blanched. He glanced at Heero, then blanched again. Did Heero.. the Perfect Soldier.. just plead? And.. pout?!   
  
_Woah.. I'm in the Twilight Zone, or something.._ He paused while setting the bowl back on the ground. _He must be more sick than I thought.._   
  
Not knowing what else to do, much less not being capable of doing anything else, Duo stumbled back to his chair with a dumbfounded expression on his face, then opened his book again.   
  
*   
  
Wufei none too gently pushed Quatre's head away from the door, then claimed the blond pilot's spot. He pressed his ear against the door, listening desperatly, with a shocked expression on his face.   
  
"Hey!" Quatre yelped, offended. _He_ was the one who snagged that perfect place on the door!   
  
"Urusai!" Wufei ordered, carefully listening. "I think.. I think Heero just pleaded."   
  
Trowa sighed, having a feeling that this little storytelling escapade was going a little too far. He glanced at the Arabian pilot, intent on telling him just that, when his visible green eye widened. He took a step back, said a quick prayer for Wufei, then put his hands over his eyes.   
  
Just in time to miss a beautiful tackle by Quatre.   
  
"Wuuufeeeeiii! Omae o korosu!"   
  
*   
  
Deciding that it was in his best interest, Duo chose to ignore the noise coming from behind the door. _ It's best not to ask when one doesn't want to know.._   
  
"So anyway.. where was I? Oh. Yeah."   
  
**   
  
Duo had married Relena, but not out of love. In fact, he couldn't stand her. However, he did it because he knew the people - his people, needed someone who had the experience with living a hard life. Needed someone who they could relate to.   
  
Sighing, he stared at his reflection in the elaborately designed mirror. He knew he looked beautiful, luscious hair pulled up into a high ponytail, so many jewels around his neck that it he had to concentrate on standing up straight. Princess Relena had dressed him in the finest silks, which made him squirm uncomfortably. The cloth stuck to his skin like a plastic bag because of the heat.   
  
"Well." Duo smiled cheekily at his reflection, then flipped his hair over his shoulder. "Might as well get this show on the road!" Standing straight, despite the slight incline of his neck because of the heavy silver, he carefully walked out of the room.   
  
*   
  
"..the beautiful Prince.. Duocup!"   
  
On cue, Duo stepped into the sunlight, surrounded by awed people. However, the only thought that graced his mind was..   
  
_DUOCUP?!_   
  
He glared accusingly up at Relena, then scowled when he correctly read the message she inveighed through her eyes.   
  
_Don't you like it, dear? I thought it up myself._   
  
Angrily, his once light steps turned into furious stomps as he headed toward his beautiful wife.   
  
**   
  
Wufei had stopped from wrestling with Quatre, and was busily lying on his back with two twin sets of tears running down his cheeks.   
  
He was laughing so hard he was crying.   
  
"Duocup! I *gasp* can't believe it!" After successfully getting that sentence out, the honorbound Chinese fell into yet another fit of giggles.   
  
Trowa shared a slightly worried glance with Quatre. Or, he would have, if Quatre wasn't busy with sitting smugly on Wufei's chest. He looked, as Duo liked to say, like a cat who just caught a canery.   
  
_Sometimes.._ Trowa thought to himself, _..I wonder if I'm the only sane one here.._   
  
**   
  
However, before he got to even the middle of the little path the people had made for him, he was rudely stopped. Duo was concentrating so hard on stomping that he nearly overbalanced when he heard the voice.   
  
"BOOOO!" an old man with a mushroom for hair crowed. Duo spun around savagely, feuled by the name "Duocup".   
  
_Duocup! DUOCUP! How.. how.. ICK!_   
  
"What?" the poorboy-turned-prince snapped. "Are you trying to scare me or something? Your face is doing a damn good job of it in the first place.."   
  
Mr. Mushroom paused in surprise, then scowled. "BOOOOO!" he repeated. "Booo! Look at him! Insultin' innocent old men!" The man huffed indignantly, puffing out his thin chest like a turkey. When all he recieved was a violet eyed glare, the man deflated, then resumed glaring at Duo.   
  
"Look at him, marrying when he has a perfectly good man already.."   
  
"You don't understand," the braided boy ground out. "Heero's dead.."   
  
"TRUE LOVE LIVES!" The man flailed his hands wildly like an angry monkey. "You marry when your true love is still alive! BOOO!" The old man continued, flailing his arms with more vigor. "So BOW! Bow to your prince of trash! BOW!"   
  
Duo   
  
(_cup_)   
  
frowned and took a step back.   
  
"Hey.. hey.. it's nothing like that.. I mean, I.."   
  
"BOOOOW!! BOWWWWW!!!!" The man alternated the way he said the word by his tone of voice, once in a while dragging on the "owww" sound, but also pronouncing it as "bow-ooo", making him sound almost like a dog. "BOW TO YOUR PRINCE OF TRASH!!" The once cheering crowd poured down on him, vengeful looks on their faces.   
  
Horrified, Duo stumbled back more, stepping on the edge of the oversized silk pants. Letting out a frightened yelp, Duo fell unceremoniously on his bottom and..   
  
..woke up.   
  
**   
  
"HAAAAAA!!" Wufei triumphantly shouted, shoving Quatre off him and doing a touchdown dance. "I KNEW he was dreaming, and that Heero was still alive and they would live happily ever after and whatnot..!"   
  
Trowa sighed, wondering if even being there, listening to this inane story with these two.. two.. psychos, was worth it.   
  
*   
  
Duo paused from his storytelling to glance at the door with an upraised eyebrow.   
  
"How come I have the funny feeling that the hills have eyes?"   
  
Heero, who had controlled his sudden bout of emotions that this story was throwing him into, gave Duo a weak impression of his death glare.   
  
"Baka. Stop getting distracted and continue."   
  
This time, the braided boy's eyebrows shot to his hairline.   
  
_What a sudden change of events.._   
  
**   
  
Duo's eyes shot around the room nervously.   
  
A dream. Everything had been a dream. _Everything._   
  
He was completely disconcerted, having no idea where he was. It didn't _look_ like the tiny room he had on the farm. In fact, it looked oddly like.. like..   
  
"Noooooo," Duo hissed into the night, then grabbed on over stuffed pillow and pulled it over his head.   
  
He was in the room Princess Relena had so graciously shoved him in.   
  
**   
  
"So," Heero interrupted slowly, "you _did_ get married to her.."   
  
Not liking the gleam in Heero's eyes, Duo waved his hand and smiled nervously.   
  
"Waitwaitwait.."   
  
**   
  
After a few weeks of being cramped up with his FIANCEE (Duo inserted a rather necessary amount of emphasis on that word) Relena and her ungodly amount of _pink_, Duo decided he deserved at least a short break from the.. the.. PINK castle. He saddled his favorite horse Scythe, one of the only things he was grateful for from the spoiled princess, and made his way as far away from Relena's lands as he could.   
  
PINK!   
  
Duo shuddered, thankful to be out of the confining quarters of the inherited castle. He rode for hours, enjoying the feeling of the wind tousling his golden brown locks, until he came upon the edge of a forest he had never been in, nor even near. Tall scattered trees had seemed to shoot up suddently, far apart from each other but apparently becoming thicker as he galloped on.   
  
Relena had warned him many times that he should _never_ set foot in the dreaded forest, for it was quite dangerous. She informed him that it was filled with robbers, who were flooded with perverted and dangerous thoughts in their minds.   
  
Dangerous.   
  
Without further hesitation, Duo plunged Scythe swiftly into the thick mass of trees.   
  
-end   
  
  
Hm, several things I ought to apologize for. Number one, I slightly messed up on Duo's dream sequence. It turns out, Buttercup (Duocup, heehee), had her dream towards the end of the movie. Well.. yeah, you can see where I messed up there. I hope no one's annoyed. ^^;   
  
I'm not entirely sure if this is as humourous as the first chapter.. 


End file.
